Wolfsie: Let me sleep on it – The Daily Reporter

I was recently tested to see if I had sleep apnea. Sleep disturbances can be serious, but my night in a “sleep lab” had a few lighter moments.

Before leaving that evening, Mary Ellen helped me pack a few things we thought were important to take with me, such as extra underwear, a toothbrush, glasses, and a good book. She also suggested I take my own pillow, just to make my experience feel more like home.

When I arrived at the medical building, I took the elevator to the third floor. The office was windowless and the door was locked, so I rang.

“Can I help you?” asked a male voice through the intercom.

“Yes, I’m here to sleep.” I felt weird saying that, like I just got drunk at Motel 6.

Stewart came over to greet me and take me to my room which was fine like any Holiday Inn. I thought I’d lighten the mood, so I asked Stewart where the ice cream machine was. Noting his reaction, I decided that would be my last prank of the evening. This is called reading the play.

Stewart asked, “Does your wife say you snore?”

“She has no idea because she’s sleeping in another room…maybe because I snore.”

“Mr. Wolfsie, so how do you know you snore?”

“I get a lot of complaints from neighbors.”

I opened my small suitcase and pulled out the things I had brought with me. “I hope I’m not the first patient to bring their own pillow,” I said.

“No, but you’re the first senior to bring his comforter.”

Stewart attached about 40 electrodes to my head, chest, and legs. My doctor wanted to know if I was breathing properly when I slept. Did I have restless legs? Did I toss and turn all night? As you can see on my Facebook page, I was really wired. Even more than usual.

I asked Stewart how people fall asleep with all these attachments. He handed me a remote control and said, “That should help. I tried putting the TV on the History Channel, which always puts me to sleep. The TV didn’t turn on, but the mattress firmed up. It was a remote control for the Sleep Number bed.

Stewart explained to me that his job was to sit in an adjoining room, observe me sleeping for six hours, and record all the data. It takes a long time to look at me on a screen. For 30 years my segments on WISH-TV were only three minutes long and that was more than enough for most people.

If I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, which only happens to me 100% of the time, I just had to wave at the camera and Stewart would come into the room to pick me up. Then I had to take the whole box with the wires attached to the bathroom with me. It was like carrying a time bomb. Stewart was waiting in the hallway. Too much pressure on me! I have enough problems in the toilets of Lucas Oil Stadium when six guys are waiting impatiently behind me at the urinal.

The next morning, Stewart shook my hand and said, “It was nice meeting you.” It would have scared me if he had said, “It was a pleasure watching you.”

TV personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send feedback to [email protected]

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